"We all have different reasons for forgetting to breathe."
Andrea Gibson
A message from Anonymous
Wut is ur astrology sign

Aquarius sun. Scorpio moon. Pisces rising. I adhere to vedic astrology.

The entire notion of depression in our society is misleading. Depression is not an illness.

People are taught that depression is something that ‘happens’ to you vs. something that you are experiencing. When a person is not living in accordance with their will, the psyche suffers, therefore it creates a “depressive” state to force the individual inward to face the unconscious and to incorporate whats needed into consciousness. This is why you will find ‘depressed’ individuals withdrawing from relationships, hobbies, interests ect. because the psychic energy (libido, in physiological terminology) is needed in deeper areas within the psyche. Its the bodies way of conserving energy to ensure its survival. This is also why you’ll find a lot of ‘depressed’ individuals creating the most profound art, music, paintings, poetry ect. and being liberated. Art is a way for the unconscious to communicate to consciousness. This is what human myths throughout all time attempt to illuminate, death and rebirth, the phoenix rising from the ashes. In the gospel of Thomas, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” Ancient texts, when read metaphorically (as intended) attempt to illuminate this dark side of humanity and its capabilities of rising above. You’ll find in these texts the same stories repeated over and over again in different ways according to particular cultures interpretations. Death and resurrection. Ra and osiris, ishtar and Persephone, Jesus. You will also find the theme of the adversary and the journey into the underworld (the unconscious). All myth and religion do is illuminate the inner faculties of human kind, the human condition.

Depression is a means for the individual to cure themselves of their afflictions, or really, move towards being a more whole individual. Sorrow is a part of life, it will not be removed entirely, but there are ways to live a more whole life between the seemingly opposite emotions of sorrow and happiness, which are truly one.

Where depression becomes dangerous is when its misunderstood and avoided. When a person feels the need to escape from their depression, it intensifies because you are not allowing the unconscious room to live within the individual, and it will retaliate. Our society teaches us that happiness is the only acceptable emotion and it has caused absolute upheaval within the unconscious in hundreds of thousands of individuals around the world. When a human being is suffering on the inside it manifests itself outside of the individual and into the world. Hence, the existence of war, racism, sexism ect. hatred. This is how we can look at the state of our environment, our relationships and get a better understanding of ourselves because all things happening in the world are a projection of the inner life of human kind.

The unconscious has not been given the proper conduits to express itself healthily. So when a person is feeling depressed, they become afraid and seek any means to escape confronting the deeper parts of the self. Most are unwilling to feel sorrow because of the notion that’s been built up around it. Depression is the unwillingness of the individual to feel sorrow completely without judgement, as soon as you think depression is bad, suffering inevitably follows and you’ve escaped the psyches natural purpose to ensure its survival. Sadly suicide is sometimes a result of this. They don’t realize that death is necessary multiple times throughout life. Death to old notions, death to nostalgia, death to not being present in life, death to who you were yesterday which opens the gate to who you can become, who you are meant to be, to live life with a fierce vitality in balance of the opposites.

Im with three others in the forest at night. We all take refuge next to a tree. The moon is our source of light. Some of us are injured, some of us are covered in others blood. Im covered in someone elses blood, my hands are filthy. Ive killed 4 people but i can’t remember it. I just know that ive murdered and it weighs heavy on my heart. I meet with a friend, she’s a very old woman, dressed in a black robe. Strangers are finding her home and enter to become blessed. They enter to seek god’s shelter. She’s somewhat of a saint, chosen by god, like mother Theresa. I sit with her on a banner and we watch them all enter, weak and weary. She then realizes that she has a job to do for a higher power. She looks at me and tells me “Sorry, you can’t stay here, you have blood on your hands”. I start to sob, i say “I cant remember it! I didint mean to! Your my best friend, what will i do without you!” She looks saddened, but asked that i leave firmly. I felt that if someone so saintly couldint even forgive me, would god? Was i damned? I felt damned, i felt alone and afraid and tremendous guilt. I decide to take my own life, it was the only relief i could get from a tormented life alienated from others and i didint trust myself anymore. I coudlint even remember what really happened. Another man that was also guilty handed me a bottle of Vicodin, he said “Just take one and go to sleep, don’t worry so much about it”, i took the bottle to overdose, but i was too afraid to do it. 

*I wake from sleep in sweats.

I love this fierce woman and her word magic.

"There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were."

Man’s eternal quest is for the untroubled self hidden in the depth of his own eternal being. To find this self, is to discover the purpose of human existence; to understand this self, is to know the laws of human redemption; and to live in harmony with this self, is to enjoy a serene existence.

As the surface of the sea is troubled by the winds, so the thoughts and emotions of men are troubled by the storms of circumstance. But the deeper parts of the sea are not troubled by the tempest, and in each of us is a region of peace where self abides forever in blessedness.

All that is required is quiet determination, diligently sustained, leading to complete mental freedom. When we release ourselves from the tyranny of our own thoughts and emotions, we will discover true happiness.

It is the discovery not only of what we need to know, but of what we want to know.

Make the present dynamically right, and that which is good in the past will live; the rest will cease. Make the present right, and that which is necessary for the future will come.

Manly P Hall

Im in a city. I see a delivery food truck, on the back it has a sign to hop on for an hourly wage. I grab onto the back of the truck and take a clear plastic baggie the driver hands me with change in it for customers purchases. We pull up to an establishment that has a valet. A very sexy man works at this place. He’s foreign, from a Mediterranean area and he takes interest in me immediately. He has a very sly attractive smile, he asks me what im doing working on a truck like this, he wasint expecting to see someone like me. I actually hit on him back, i make it clear that i find him attractive, which isint normal for me, and we both follow through. He gets on the truck. We are then by ourselves in a van, the back is a comforted bed and we are laying down staring into each others eyes and i feel so at one, so comfortable, so turned on. We kiss really slow and deep for a long time. I can feel him getting aroused. His body is beautiful, bronze, fit. He slips in me once real slow and then something happens that makes us stop. When we try and resume, i can’t because im not technically single, i tell him i have a boyfriend. He doesint take offense and respects me, although we are still aching for each other. He lays down, we both are naked. He detaches his penis, its bronze like the rest of his body, large. I look between his legs and realize that his penis is fake, mechanical. He told me he got into a sky diving accident and it had to be replaced. I liked that the injury at least occurred from something i found interesting and adrenaline pumping, it made me even more attracted to him.

I take him home, which is a mansion. My boyfriend is asleep in his room. There are two dogs i rescued off the street with me. This man and i feel deeply for each other, but i keep him a secret. I tell him he has to leave before my boyfriend wakes in the morning, but he doesint. Im looking for a particular book of mine. I don’t want him to leave, we keep bumping in to each other from different rooms, both looking for something. I want him more than anything. Im wearing a bangle ring, it has a stone on each bangle representing a planet, he is playing with it, moving the planets around.

I wake this morning longing for this man. My animus. My roomate askes from the other room. “Do your rings only fit on particular fingers?” I answer “Yea, our fingers are all different sizes”. She says “yea, ive been trying to move mine around but i cant, it’s like their all my little planets”. I didint even remember that part of my dream until she said that, then i remembered that she wears a bangle ring but i can’t make the connection.

July 5th 2014- "Im living in a place thats not tasteful. I go outside with my co-worker and find myself in my grandmothers back yard. I see an entrance to a cellar all boarded  up, a part of the wood had been ripped off so i rip it more so i can enter. An alarm goes off, i wasint sure if it were in relation to my action or not, but i soon found out it was, my co-worker spots the alarm in the old shed and turns it off. We enter the cellar. It was a home, an underground mansion that my grandparents must have really lived in. Anything  a person could ever want or use was there. There was a wall with brand new fishing poles. A gigantic dining room with round tables. I looked at the carpet in this room. I was standing on the line where the carpet changed from baby blue to pink, obnoxiously bright colors. Each table was color coded. And each was surrounded by identical glass sculptures i thought of as large candy dishes. I decided sense it was vacant, id just find an empty room and live there until my moms brothers and sisters found out about it and wanted to divide the money. The upstairs of the house was covered in carpet, and i don’t like carpet. It was tacky compared to the downstairs and its decorations and beautiful wood floors. I went to find a room downstairs. I see selenite lamps and stones all over,and i plan to take them sense they arent worth much money and the rest of my family wouldn’t appreciate them. I meet a girl in a bathroom and there is a man pursuing her. He’s always around, obsessive. I close the door and whisper to her that he’s not in love with her, he was there to gain riches. She said she thought so all along.”

I had this dream earlier this month, it was the second i had this year of my grandmother having past on. The first i was with my cousin i was the closest with, lost in a field, and we stumbled on my grandpa’s house. He passed on a long time ago but he was there, boarding up the doors and windows of the house. Closing it for good. I can’t remember what he said, its written somewhere on this blog. I told my mom about both of these dreams after i had them. I don’t have a relationship with my grandmother, i never did, and only see her once a year at thanksgiving. So for her to be in my dreams was rare and i felt there was a chance they were significant. After the dream this month i told my sister that i thought she was going to die very soon because of the dreams i was having hinting towards it.

Last night my grandma was nervous to go to bed, so my uncle who has been caring for her sense my grandfather passed gave her a pill that’s supposed to calm her nerves. He said she started talking in her sleep through the night. She was talking to my great grandma and my grandpa, telling them to get everyone away from her, they were making her nervous. He woke her and she said “im fine” and when she fell back asleep she was discussing the same thing. She had a stroke this morning and passed away.

I just talked with my mom, and she mentioned the dream i had and told me all this, and that last night she visited her in a dream. My whole life my mother has had night terrors of tsunami waves coming at her. She can’t swim in real life, and she also has drowing dreams often. Waking up screaming “HELP ME, HELP ME!” But last night she was dreaming of the waves rolling over her, and she wasint afraid, and she saw my grandma standing there.

When one of my mom’s brothers passed away, he was talking with my great grandma in his sleep too, my mom told me today.

My grandma was a miserable woman, she had surgery on her ears when she was a teenager, the doctor destroyed her ear drums leaving her deaf. She couldn’t read or write, even her own name, she never learned to drive. She didint know sign language and her husband used to beat her senseless. She had a terribly rough and sad life. In her old age, she was bitter and sulking. She would come sit next to me during the holiday and say bad things about everyone in the room. It didint make me feel very good to listen to her very much because it was so negative, but i also understood why. She lived a life hardly capable of EVER being able to communicate with anyone. Ive always felt so bad for her, how lonely she must feel all the time, how frustrated. Never even being able to read a book to pass the time.

Its best that she has moved on. And i have this wonderfully beautiful vision of her wrapped in golden light ecstatic with the ability to hear and communicate. Her life is interesting and curious, she is a mystery to me, to everyone i think. I wonder about her karma and the family and how we’re all connected to one another.

"Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all. Love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see."
― Søren Kierkegaard